Embarking on a New Journey: My Bucket List

So it’s 9:17 p.m. and I’m sitting down to write my first ever personal blog entry.  I’m pretty excited about it – I’ve always wanted to blog but never really followed through on it.

Actually, following through has kind of always been a weakness of mine.  I’m full of big ideas but then I get distracted or scared or insecure and I let yet another idea fade into obscurity.

I guess that brings me to my reasoning for finally starting a blog in the first place.  I’m turning 25 next month and I’m inspired to pick up those forgotten dreams and ambitions and finally make them a reality.

I’m hopeful that the second half of my 20s will help me re-discover the person I was – the person that God intended for me to be – before I lost myself during my early 20s.

Actually, I think I started losing my way sometime around the age of 17 when I got inebriated for the first time. Save for getting in trouble when my parents found out, nothing terrible happened.  Actually, it was enjoyable having a little change of perception and feeling completely out of control over my own body.

Nevertheless, after that first time, I didn’t touch a substance again until I was 19. But it was a pretty quick fall from grace once I started back up.

For the next four years, I self-medicated heavily – I drank because I was happy, I drank because I was sad, I drank because I got a promotion, I drank because I broke up with a boyfriend.

I could always find an excuse to drink and my goal was always the same: complete obliteration and removal from reality.

At first, it was fun leading a double life: The honor student at a well-respected university who could drink anyone under the table on the weekends (or weekdays as it were.)  I loved losing control and being reckless and even fancied that I was more creative when I was inebriated.

But then the grip of my addiction became tighter and it became less about “wanting” to drink and more about “needing” to drink.  My disease took me to some terrible places – physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I lost the values and ethics that I was raised with.  Everything was on the table to be cut if it got in the way of my drinking: jobs, friends, family.  Nothing mattered to me more than getting wasted.

When alcohol is your master, things go down hill pretty quickly.  I was in constant fear of people finding out how big of a drinking problem I had.  I frequently thought about suicide, often hoping that I’d accidentally kill myself drinking so I wouldn’t have to do it sober.  I was alone and lost – miserable without a drink, tortured with one.

But then about 18 months ago, God showed up to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.

I awoke one Saturday morning in my boyfriend’s bed, still drunk from the night before.  I had bruises all over my body from a physical altercation I had in my inebriation and I was scared to fall back asleep because apparently I’d hit my head at some point.

If there was a hell, I was living it.

Sick of the lies, sick of the hangovers, sick of the fear, sick of the way I was living life – I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and started working the steps with a sponsor.

In July of last year, I completed my 12th step officially – the first thing in a long time I actually completed.

But as any AA knows, we have a daily reprieve from this disease – a disease that will settle for us drunk but would rather see us dead.  And so I continue to work a program with my sponsor and continue to try to carry the message of AA – the message that saved my life – to another sufferer.

And I continue to work toward fulfilling God’s will for me, cautious not to rest on my laurels too long because addiction is an opportunist that is cunning, baffling and powerful.  And it will strike again if I stop growing and start getting comfortable.

Which brings me back to my bucket list.

Now that the haze of the initial year of sobriety has lifted, I’m ready to start exploring who I really am.  (Re)discover what my passions are, what my hopes are, what drives me.

And I hope that in doing so, it will bring me closer to being the person God had always intended for me to be.

My plan is to share with you my experience, strength and hope as I move through this bucket list, re-acquainting myself with my true self and learning how to live life on life’s terms.

So here’s my initial list, with later additions a possibility:

1. Read an entire book cover-to-cover (This is actually something I have not done since I was 16 years old.  Embarrassing since I’m a writer but it’s true.)
2. Go on a week-long silent retreat at a Trappist monastery. (This was actually something I almost did for spring break during my senior year of college. I opted to go to Miami instead to party).
3. Complete my Spanish for Dummies book and begin attending conversational Spanish meet-ups. (My grandmother speaks nothing but Spanish and I would like to have a real conversation with her at least once.)
4. Get out of debt and stay out of debt (This will require learning how to live within my means – something that the impulsive/indulgent side of me has a difficult time grasping.)
5. Start a savings account (There is nothing serene about living paycheck-to-paycheck.)
6. Learn how to drive stick shift (Another thing I’ve tried to learn multiple times but gave up too easily on.)
7. Complete the 12-steps of Al-Anon, a program for loved ones of alcoholics.  (I am first and foremost an alcoholic but what I’ve realized is that I can seriously benefit from the teachings of Al-Anon.  I am overly responsible for other people, I tend to fall for alcoholics/addicts and then proceed to enable them and in the end, it’s always my serenity/sanity that suffers.  I want to learn how to love others by setting healthy boundaries and honoring them.)
8. Run a 5K (I once dismissed someone’s completion of a triathlon by saying it was no big deal, that anyone could do it. I even purchased a bike for the purpose of using it one day in a triathlon to prove my point.  Another claim I never followed through on.  So I’m starting with a 5k and if I don’t go into cardiac arrest, I may move up to a triathlon and finally put that bike to use.)
9. Travel to a city I’ve never been to with just me and my dog. (Men were my first addiction and I’ve always been a bit of a co-dependent lover.  This one’s all about learning how to “be with myself instead of by myself.”)
10. Pick up tap dancing classes again.  (A hobby I put down in high school that I wish I had continued doing. Music is cathartic for me and using dance to express myself was something I really enjoyed.)
11. Repair my saxophone and find a band to play with.  (Again, music is a great healer for me and being a part of something greater than myself – such as an ensemble band – is really beautiful.)
12. Quit smoking for at least 6 months, with the hopes that staying quit will continue from there (So many reasons for doing this – I’ll get to that in a later blog.)
13. Take a boxing class.  (This is something that has always appealed to me.  I think it’s worth a try.)
14. Record my parents retelling their life’s stories (My parents are my best friends and my rock.  It’s important for me to learn more about them and their lives because you never know how much time you have with the ones you love.)
15. Finish a puzzle.  (My maternal grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s, always loved puzzles.  And so one day I purchased a 500-piece puzzle for myself in an effort to connect with her somehow, even across the miles.  It has sat unopened for three years.  I would like to complete a puzzle for her.)
16. Take an art class (In my community, they offer free art classes once a month.  I’ve always wanted to try the visual arts but the itty bitty shitty committee in my head has always told me I wasn’t good enough.  So I never tried.)
17. Regularly volunteer at a nursing home.  (Both of my grandmothers live far away and it’s been more than two years since I’ve seen either of them.  I miss them.  By volunteering in a nursing home and showing love to someone else’s grandparents, I hope to put some positive energy into the universe that will make its way back to my grandmothers.)
18. Go vegan for three months.  (I went vegan in college and I’ve never felt healthier.  I’ve resolved to try veganism again in the past only to give up after a couple of weeks. I want to try it again to see if this is a lifestyle change I want to make permanently.)
19. Give organized religion another try. (There are several churches in my community that I plan to attend: Forest Hill, Universalist Unitarian, Wedgewood Baptist, Myers Park Baptist, Peace Moravian, St. John Episcopal Church, Nichiren Shu Buddhist Temple and Temple Beth El.  AA has given me something I though I would never have: a personal relationship with God.  But now that I’m further in my journey, I crave more connection with God and His people.  And so I’m going to try out different churches, temples and synagogues to see if I can find a religious community in which I fit.)
20. Donate my hair to Locks of Love.  I’ve cut off my hair for many reasons over the years but just once, I want to be able to say I did it for someone else.
21. Play a Flag Football Game.  I’m competitive by nature.  I’d like to try my hand at this sport.
22. Complete a Triathlon.  now that I have successful run in my first 5k, I’m turning my attention to this ultimate goal.
23. Keep up with a blog.  Well, I guess that one’s off  to a good start already.

Do you recommend I make any more additions? I would love to hear your thoughts.

But for now, I think I’ve got a respectable start.  My goal is to target all aspects of a well-rounded life:

• Mental
• Physical
• Spiritual
• Emotional
• Family
• Financial

Better go for now.  I promise not all of my blogs will be this long.  Just had to get started somewhere. Thanks for reading.

Be well.